It was a bad week perhaps. What's with all the stress and preparation for the final proffesional course exam next week. And me just back from Manila and the beau in Tokyo. Luckily, with the advancement of technology nowadays, we were able to keep in touch via text messages.
Somehow, things between us got a huge shock after what I thought was a little bit dull lately. Not sure why. But it seemed that I was getting less interested in replying the beau's message the more that we were together. I'm falling out of love? I'm taking things forgranted? I've been too comfortable because the beau loves me so much?
One night, while we were online, I asked him one question that would probably risk our future together. All those dreams of buying a place and settle in together, traveling and doing things together, they all seemed like a gamble at stake when I asked him that question.
It was a very intense atmosphere, I could definitely feel it even though we were seperated by miles of sea. But despite trying to ask his opinion to test out what his views on what I wanted, he finally sensed something was up.
"Tell me, honestly, what has been happening?"
I was scared. He didn't quite approve from the way he answerd my beating-around-the-bush questions earlier, after all we are in a monogamous relationship. And those vows that I made to myself where I'll love him and only him and I'll only fuck with him and only him, it seemed like I'm the one causing all this beautiful tale to crumble. I was restless. I didn't want to answer, but he was suspecting, and he was waiting for me to answer.
"I might've been sending text messages to some of my old fucks and ask them how they're doing and stuff."
At that instant, I knew he would've probably ripped his heart open and stabbed it repeatedly and let those blood oozes out and stained all those bedsheets. And I have NO IDEA what gotten into me that night.
Perhaps I was blinded by the memory of this superb sex session with this one guy who I met quite often before I settle down with the beau. Superb-sex-session guy texted me one day asking how come I haven't been looking for him anymore. And I replied I was busy. I didn't even know why I didn't mention I am already taken. And for the next few days, we exchanged some more text messages, with him pleading to get something arranged soon...
Perhaps that was why I lost my control over my lust.
"I was just wondering if it is okay for you if I have sex with other men?"
Looking back at what I asked, I was surprised, very very surprised I even had that thought.
And I only have myself to blame for this scar caused.