I'm a negative man. And the beau is a positive man.
It took me weeks to get over a disappointments at work and I would sulk about it all day and all night and every day for the rest of the week. I don't feel good about it, but I just couldn't help it. It's in the heart and I just don't feel like doing anything. For the past week after I came back from Bangkok, I started to get busy with work, what's more with all the failed hopes that I caused in the company, I was even more discouraged.
I got tired and really depressed with work at the moment. My colleagues who were with Bangkok with me, they were all so energetic and, well yeah, we were all disappointed so to speak. But I just couldn't find the energy to move on like how they do.
Having said that, it's a bad feeling when the beau tried so hard to help cheer me up and it was all in vain.
"How come the same face, no expression at all? I thought a weekend back to your hometown to calm down would help." He spoke after meeting me for the first time since I got back from my short break.
"Can't expect myself to smile when I still feel as though I'm useless right?"
"Am not asking you to put on a false smile. I like my dear to be himself. But being in this way for a prolonged period isn't going to help. Come on, give me a smile."
I did forced a smile. Not exactly a forced one, the beau does cheer me up sometimes. Actually most of the time. Going out with him for a short dinner would always puts all the troubles and worries behind. And he knew he'd be looking at a tensed and emotionless face whenever we were to go back to our own home. I wished we never had to... Perhaps in the future. But alas, at the time being, us living in different places, being away from the beau reminds me of all the hardship I have to face again the following day at work. It sucks big time really.
I really wished I could find my confidence back again. It really means a lot to see me achieve success for once. I mean, at least to prove to my family and myself that I'm not as useless as I thought I am.
And what matters most, I really wish to share my success with the beau. Apart from my family.
"I shall be your photographer on the day when you hold that award in front of the company logo. Free of charge." That's what he always said to encourage me. For the positivity that he has and channels to me, I sincerely hope that my negativity would fade away...
Night Before Natal
2 days ago